What does my tantrum reveal?

When I revealed to my old co-workers during lunch that I would be resigning and moving back to New England (this had been a long and difficult process for me and my husband) there was a lot of excitement in the room from everyone! Until I was asked by a particular co-worker...

“What will you be doing for work?” she seemed to ask accusingly.

Sheepishly, I replied “ I won’t have to go to work.” I was feeling so blessed that I would get to be a stay at home wife; and hopefully a stay at home mother (almost everyone knows we have struggled with infertility for about 5 years at that point) ...

I still have a hard time forgetting my co-workers response...

“Ugh, I hate you” she said

My heart sank.

I felt shame.

If I remember right, this co-worker was about 5 years younger than me, was about 2 years out of college; had been married about 1 year; and had been trying to get pregnant for a few months, without success - and I remember hearing her complain and sigh about how she was never going to get pregnant and would tell the whole office she drank wine because, thats right, she wasn’t pregnant, again! sigh... She complained about her husband and how he would never be done with graduate school and she would never get to be a stay at home mom. When I got a newer car (the nicest car I have ever had, and it wasn’t “new” ) she complained that she couldn’t believe I had one and she ended up getting a new car a few weeks later.

It really made me so mad to hear her complain about her life and how imperfect everything was, especially when she would compare it to me - and whine about how everything was “working out” for me and not for her. I felt like I was watching an adult throwing a temper tantrum...

I never knew how to respond and I felt bad for her, I felt bad about myself around her, and I felt shame about any successes I might have shared with her.

I wanted to be her friend; but I always felt prickly around her.

*****

I have been reflecting on this lately; because I have had a rough month of disappointments... and I was thinking about my reactions and how they might be affecting others around me.

Do I throw adult temper tantrums?

How do others see me when I do?

How do I make them feel?

And most importantly; how does it reflect Christ when I throw a tantrum?

I imagine most people see their life; and it really doesn’t reflect what they thought their life would look like.

When I think back to my co-worker and I hear her say she hates me... what I am hearing is that she is mad my life (from her perspective) is turning out better than hers.

The truth is; I struggle with comparing my life to someone else's and being upset and jealous of them. I make the assumption their life is so much prettier and easier. I wonder how many times in my heart I have hated someone because, from my perspective, their life is turing out better than mine.

As a Christian, I believe God is in control. I believe He is good; and therefore nothing He gives or takes away is “bad”. I could write a huge list of things with my life I complain about- both publicly and inwardly for only myself to hear. However, my goal here today - is to talk about how to counter this attitude.

I think the best thing I can do to counter this attitude is to take it to God.

Take it to God first... when I am sad, confused, frustrated, worried, ... whatever... take it to God first. It is almost always my nature to complain to my husband, call my mom, tell a friend... to seek counsel (& empathy) from those I hold in high esteem; throw a tantrum!

I should get on my knees, take it to God first and find out what God’s word says about this, before I react emotionally and involve others. Find out what is true. This will not only build my relationship with God; but it will help shape my heart and thoughts towards what God finds important.

Learning what is true will help me live my life in a loving and honoring way to God, myself and others.

So, even though being told you are hated hurts a lot; I am humbled by my former co-workers reaction... it was an honest reflection of what I feel so many times when I see others who’s life seems to be “working out” so much better than mine.

As I ask myself, what is true... I remember God is good; and His ways are much better than mine! My goal in life is to glorify God and enjoy Him (and His will for my life) forever... regardless of the circumstances. The struggles and the joys. I aim to reflect God’s glory, grace and mercy to others - by sharing what He has done, what is good and being content no matter the circumstances. From a woodchuck eating all my peas to a long journey of infertility. Show God’s grace and be content no matter the circumstances.

I want to try to remember ... what do my tantrums say about what I believe? What do the words I say and actions I display, say about who I think is in control?  How do I make others feel when I talk about my life or theirs? Is God glorified or mocked by my words and actions?

In closing I want to leave you with a couple verses for reflection and rejoice with my former co-worker, who is now a stay at home mother of two, while her husband is done with graduate school and working. :) 

******** 

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" Ephesians 4:29

"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:58

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn"  Romans 12:15

"We put no stumbling block in anyone’s path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything." 2 Corinthians 6:3-10

Magazines are perishable...

I was listening to a teaching on the topic of perishable and imperishable recently. And the teacher made some references to 1 Peter. One of my favorite books in the Bible is 1 & 2 Peter.  I think I just enjoy how the message of the gospel is delivered in these books; and I was encouraged to re-read some passages; and really contemplate what it is that is perishable and what is imperishable. 

__________________

I find myself on the edge of being a hoarder of magazines, its true - I just love looking at them and day dream about what I could do with my house or garden; love looking at all the things I could make for dinner & dessert, or all the things I could do to transform my hair and body to look fabulous. Its fun at first, but then as I collect all these ideas - I get pretty tired and frustrated by all the work and money it would take to accomplish these great ideas I have decided to do, so I put it off and wait until tomorrow, maybe... And then its tomorrow - I check the mail and devour the new magazine that arrived - and I have all these new ideas - which are fun and exciting... I think you get the idea. Maybe you do that too? with something else? 

I also struggle with letting go of all these magazines once I have "finished" with them .... what if  THAT magazine I just threw away was the magazine I needed to transform my house, my kitchen, my body... and I just tossed it aside - to fill up the trash... (which I have an obsession with trying to recycle everything and I hate feeling like I might be cluttering up a landfill or recycle place with all my stuff.... thats a story for another day- ha!) 

This might seem like a silly example to you - but this is one of the things I was thinking about when the teacher asked us to think about something we hold on to; that is perishable. 

In reflection of this, I was thinking, there are a lot of things in my life - that I work very, very hard to keep... that are perishable. And the things that are imperishable are freely given to me enjoy. 

I find I focus a lot of my time, energy and frustration over keeping the house clean, working, money, student loan debt, exercising, struggles with my weight, struggles with relationships, other people (especially how others drive) the future, politics, weather ... I am usually frustrated over how dissatisfied these things actually make me and how they end up not looking like anything I want them to look like, even when I try really hard! But all these things are perishable...  one day they will all be gone! 

My hope is that as the Lord continues to show me I have been focused on the perishable, it will be replaced by pure joy in the imperishable, and that my heart will continue to be conformed to a great rejoicing; because the Lord has given me new hope through the resurrection - and an inheritance that can never perish! This is where true joy and satisfaction flows from. So, even as everything I have today, including my magazines full of paint colors and hair styles - are taken away tomorrow I will still be filled with inexpressible joy over all the Lord has done for me! 

I leave you with a few passages that have spoken to me: 

Job 19:25-27

I know that my Redeemer lives, 

    and that in the end he will stand upon the earth.

   And after my skin has been destroyed,

    yet in my flesh I will see God; 

   I myself will see him

    with my own eyes —I, and not another.

    How my heart yearns within me!

1 Peter 1:3-9

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade —kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire —may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Seven years

Seven years ago today - I married my husband.

I confess it has been the most challenging - yet most rewarding experience of my life. When we decided to get married - it was exciting and fun and new. But after a while, I found myself asking why am I getting married to this person again... Whats in it for me? Will I be happy?

As I get older (shutter) and only by the grace of God - I am finding out that living life here on earth is not about getting whats in it for me or making sure I am happy; as the world would try to have me believe. And marriage is no different. It must be Christ-centered, not self or man-centered.

Below is a quote from Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. We have read this book several times; and I encourage anyone (especially singles) to read this book and embrace the concept that the marriage relationship is second to your relationship with Christ - it's about being holy, not happy.

"For the Christian, marriage is a penultimate rather than an ultimate reality. Because of this, both of us can find even more meaning by pursuing God together and by recognizing that he is the one who alone can fill the spiritual ache in our souls. We can work at making our home life more pleasant and peaceable; we can explore ways to keep sex fresh and fun; we can make superficial changes that will preserve at least the appearance of respect and politeness. But what both of us crave more than anything else is to be intimately close to the God who made us. If that relationship is right, we won't make such severe demands on our marriage, asking each other, expecting each other to compensate for spiritual emptiness." 

As I continue on this journey of marriage - it is my hope and prayer that God will continue to use us - to spurn one another on. I am so grateful that God has put me with someone who I am to love and forgive, who I can serve and pray for - pointing one another to a reconciling Creator. Of course I have days where I make it all about me and severe disagreements - and forget that I are supposed to picture Christ to my husband. I'll even admit that sometimes I resolve in my heart, that I will not be loving, forgiving, serve or pray until he does first... But I believe its through those experiences as well, that I am humbled and brought to my knees. I am so glad that Christ didn't wait until I was perfect and cleaned up before he welcomed me into his family and extended forgiveness, love, mercy and grace.

Thanksgiving through tithe

When tax time was upon us - and we started to receive our tax papers in the mail; we started to receive our giving statements from the churches we had tithed to last year.

I have always struggled with tithing.

I didn't really grow up going to church and I do not ever remember hearing a sermon on tithing or been taught about tithing. So I just didn't know about it. Before I met my husband - I was never really a member at a church and thought tithing was something that members, who had extra money to "donate" did. And since I was not a member; and certainly did not have anything extra (nor could I understand how any one did), I didn't tithe on a regular basis.

Yes, I did tithe sometimes - when I felt guilty as the offering plate was coming down my row. Or when the thought of how does the Pastor pay his mortgage and feed his children - popped into my head.

I have always struggled with tithing. There have been several times I have asked my husband - do we really have to tithe??? That money could do so much more for us... fill our oil tank, pay off some loans, allow for a bigger car payment for a nicer car, pay for a vacation, buy curtains, allow me to buy gifts and oh, iced coffee!  (Funny how at first the things I struggle with wanting to spend our tithe money seems so practical; and then went into the other "fun" things I think I need... like my obsession with coffee)

But as I did our taxes; and reflected on just how much we tithed this last year; and realized, while yes that could have paid off a serious chunk of student loans; that money was never our's to begin with. Our money belongs to God. And we were giving it back to Him; with thanksgiving for all He has provided for us.

As I reflect on our last year; we were able to fill our oil tank and keep our house warm and have hot water. We paid down some loans. We still have student loan debt, but it keeps going down. I do have a nice car (so I can stop complaining - although in years past I felt lucky to even have a car, never mind the one I have now. Oh how much I have to be thankful for!)... We ARE going on a vacation this year (No, it isn't to Spain or Ireland like I daydream about, but it is to see family, and I am SO thankful we able to.... in our nice car). Guess what, I made curtains for our kitchen! :) No, I didn't buy them from a fancy home decor store like I wanted too and I still have 8 windows to make buy fabric and make curtains for - but I am thankful the Lord has provided a home I can decorate; be it slowly and with my own hands! I still am able to give gifts to people... I would spend my husbands entire paycheck on other people if I (he) wasn't careful; but I am thankful the Lord has provided the ability for me to buy somethings, make some things and give away things we have acquired for free - to satisfy this desire. And yes, I have even been able to buy coffee... probably more than I should. :)

Before I started tithing; while I was in college and when I lived on my own for a while; I always felt like I struggled to pay the bills, eat and "have fun". And I worked two jobs and felt like I never was making enough. I was really overwhelmed with the idea that life is all about paying bills and no peace.

Since I have been married and tithing; I have realized that while; we still have bills and struggle with all kinds of things - there is a change in my heart and mind set about these things. I remember the Lord is in control; and everything comes from Him. And when I am thankful - and give to Him first; it seems like the frustrations and anxiety over all that other stuff fades into the back ground. I am not saying that hardships disappear, that we don't struggle over tough decisions we have to make or that bills are always paid... but what I am saying is that putting first things first - and being thankful to God for all that He has provided has shifted my priorities from feeling like... we are never ever going to make enough - to realizing God truly always gives us enough. (Even when it doesn't feel like it)

I had a note written in my bible from a sermon - "Don't be so focused on what God hasn't provided for you yet - be focused on what He has blessed you with". I think this can be true in so many aspects in life, but I need to remember to be thankful for the blessings of being able to pay our bills and live day by day relatively worry free in regards to what we will eat, what we will wear and where we will sleep.

For this I give thanks.

How many times shall I forgive?

Last week, someone I love very much; confessed of sin against me and asked me to forgive them... again.

My initial response when they asked my forgiveness was to avoid eye contact and have a look of utter disappointment at being hurt again. As my friend finished their plea; I sat silent and they turned to walk away - but I had a tug in my heart; and I felt the holy spirit nudging me... reminding me; do not give Satan a foot hold.

As a believer - and especially when another believer comes confessing and asking for forgiveness - my response should be- to forgive. How many times shall I forgive my brother - I echo Peter's question to the Lord in Matthew 18 and I was reminded of Jesus' reply, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

So as my friend walked away in shame. I stopped them.  Looked them in the eye, embraced them - and said, yes I forgive you.

My friend uttered, but why do you continue to forgive me. I said because I am commanded to. Thats what grace is.

I felt so honored to truly forgive; and extend mercy and grace to my friend - and watch the weight of their shame - conquered by love and true forgiveness fall off their shoulder. Praise God for this gift.

I wanted to end this blog with a passage from Ephesians. :)
Love, Missy



Ephesians 4
As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit —just as you were called to one hope when you were called — one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it. This is why it says:

“When he ascended on high,
    he led captives in his train
    and gave gifts to men.”

(What does “he ascended” mean except that he also descended to the lower, earthly regions? He who descended is the very one who ascended higher than all the heavens, in order to fill the whole universe.) It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

Living as Children of Light

So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.

You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.  “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Losing weight - one day at a time

If you know me personally; you know that I have struggled with my weight my whole life. In fact, I have been considered morbidly obese most of my adult life. This has been a great source of pain and shame for me. It is not something I can hide from others - its out there for everyone to see.

In the last 4-5 years I have lost about 70 pounds. By changing my diet, exercising and way of thinking about being fit and giving it to the Lord. It certainly isn't at the speed of some reality television shows - and it has stalled a little at times; with several set backs that have required U-turns as well as some rest for two different injuries.

I have started eating less food and healthier food. Which at times is challenging both the cooking part as well as the budget part. But we have made it work; and I am thankful we are able to buy healthy food on a weekly basis.

I have started exercising - regularly; and hard. I think I used to (and still struggle with it) think that I can't exercise too hard. That I would hurt myself or cause myself to have a heart attack. But I have found that I really benefit the most from a hard workout that causes me to sweat and gets me out doors. Gone are the days of being afraid of what people think about a heavy girl outside working out. This I am truly thankful for.

I have also been giving this issue to the Lord. This might seem kind of weird - as I used to think I shouldn't have to pray to the Lord for help with eating and exercising; right. Thats weird. But its true. I have had to come to the point of recognizing that my behavior was in fact sinful.  I have had to ask the Lord to forgive my unhealthy desires for food, for letting it become an idol. I have had to ask the Lord to forgive my desire to be idle and my entitled attitude towards being allowed to relax (with a bowl of ice cream and an episode of Golden Girls). I have felt His mercy upon me as I have brought these issues to him; and not let them stay deep in my soul - tugging my heart.

But I wanted to share, that something happened this last week that I have not been able to do in about 8 years. I purchased a new pair of jeans in the regular sized missies department, not the "woman" (aka, plus size) department! This might not sound like a huge deal to some - and I assume that if you have never been in a position where the size you need is not even sold in stores; it might be difficult to know how very exciting this is! I remember when I needed to purchase some new pants - and I went to the fat girl store; and they didn't sell the size I needed in the store... I had to purchase them online. I remember thinking- I wonder if I will ever be able to purchase pants in a regular sized store again. I always hoped I would, but lacked the hope and confidence that the work I have put in just wasn't enough... so this was a big week for me! It gave me hope and encouragement.

I still have a long way to go as far as weight loss; I still have not achieved my desire of being fit enough (as well as light enough) to run daily; and I still love ice cream, cream & sugar in my coffee, and popcorn... and I still struggle with asking the Lord to help me in this area of my life. But I am thankful that over the last few years the Lord has helped me accomplished some goals and that when I step back I can see that I have made some significant progress in regards to getting in shape. For this I am truly thankful!

Its easy for me to assume that nothing is happening - since I am so driven by desiring to see & have instant results. But day in and day out I am finding that even small accomplishments can keep you on track... and this week proved to me, that while it may be slower than I would like or society would say proves I am dedicated - I am on a weight loss journey... and I am filled with hope that I can accomplish getting in shape... one day at a time; and with the Lords help.

I found this passage encouraging as I struggle with sin; even my sin of overeating and desire to be idle.

Hebrews 12:1-13

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:

   “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
   and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
   because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
   and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.”

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

I've been humbled

I have been humbled this week.

I started a blog post several days ago inspired by a conversation I had with someone last weekend. We were talking about relationships (any kind of relationship, not just husband/wife) and how much hard work is involved and how routine and seemingly "meaningless" they can sometimes become. The indication was given - that when you are in not benefiting from the relationship or it  just isn't healthy (whatever that is, I guess based on your own expectations); its time to pull the plug a move on - and its okay to do so. No hurt feelings (supposedly)...

I was very disturbed by this - and spent the next couple days really trying to wrap my head around this concept, my heart was heavy. I try to see relationships - almost completely different. I am to serve, reach out to, encourage, pray for, love more than myself... the people I am in relationships with... and it can be hard work. And sometimes they are not always the most "healthy" relationships - but that doesn't mean you just give up because its too hard.

Please, know that I am in no way saying that if a relationship is abusive or is causing you to sin; you should stick it out; please understand this.  I certainly believe there are definitely reasons for moving on in relationships and there are times when it is, just time. And I trust the Lord will work that out - and grant courage, wisdom and peace in those difficult times. What I am talking about is; to say that being in a relationship with someone - isn't worth it anymore, because it's hard work and doesn't live up to your expectations of health and wellness - hardly seems to be a valid reason for just moving on, no hurt feelings.  I don't think I have had one relationship - that I can honestly think of, that didn't require some work, a sense of dying to self and being a servant.

As I indicated before - I was humbled, while writing my new blog about not giving up on relationships when they are hard & about loving others more than yourself... when a person, who sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable and I find hard to talk to; directed a question to me - which indicated they were disappointed in me and it felt as though they were trying to make me feel guilty about a decision I had made. It made my blood pressure shoot up - and I wanted the conversation to just be over. A little while later, after bursting into tears, I thought, I don't understand why I even try to have a relationship with this person; they make me feel bad about myself. This truly humbled me... as just a few days ago I had been upset by another friends point of view of giving up on relationships when they don't benefit you & are hard - and I thought about how easy it truly is to be tempted to give up on relationships when a person hurts your feelings, is difficult to talk with or you just don't benefit from them.

I am no expert on relationships; and in no way trying to give advice on them or try to tell people what I think they should and shouldn't do - I have fumbled enough that I know I have no merit to stand on. But I was truly humbled by this "blog post interruption"; it caused me to remember to seek the Word. This is where we should always turn when we are having a hard time with knowing what to do and how to feel. I want to tether my heart to God's word and allow it to direct my relationships. :)

I have been asking God to grant me patience and wisdom in doing and saying the right things, not jump to conclusions, and to truly love the people in my life; even those I feel are difficult people; and not just tolerating them. I was also quickly reminded that I can be one of the most difficult people on the planet; and a lot of people have to be patient and bear with me. It is easy to be selfish, desire comfort, be guarded and only seek out those who are easy to talk to or can do something for me. It is hard to die to self, be uncomfortable, give mercy and give to others without an expectation of nothing in return.

May I remember this and guard my heart and mind from thinking too highly of what others do - and remember that the Lord has called me to love the Lord my God, and to serve and love others; above myself.

Here are some passages that I enjoyed reading this last week as I was mulling this over in my heart...

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Luke 6:27-36
“But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ lend to ‘sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."

Matthew 22: 36-39
“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

Colossians 3: 12-17
"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.


Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

Whose plan was this anyway?

If you know me - you know that I am a planner - I make lists; and if I happen to do something that isn't on my list - honestly, I have been known to write it on there - just so I can cross it off (dork). 

I do not usually allow myself to enjoy doing something, unless I am as prepared as I think I possibly can be... it really doesn't matter what it is. I want to know what is coming up, what is going to happen, at what time, and I want to know what I should be doing, how I might feel and even think of all the ways I might have to be prepared to be flexible if something .... *gasp*... changes. Yes this applies to most aspects of my life..., for example, I plan two weeks of meals at a time on a certain budget amount; and actually had to calm myself down when I got to the grocery store; plan in hand - only to realize the sale flyer I had used expired the week before. I was ashamed, panic set in... and then I laughed at myself. 

Why do I put myself through so much stress. And, it really requires a lot of energy to try to plan every aspect of my life! It turns out the older I get the more I realize that not only does my life not really look like I had "planned" but, if I look closely, its even better than I had planned. 

No- I do not have three or four children; no -I haven't started running daily, no- I haven't paid off my student loans, no- I haven't written a best selling novel, no - I haven't traveled to Ireland & Spain with my husband... the planned life goes on and on... 

However - I do have the greatest husband God could have ever given me; and while marriage isn't really much like I "planned" (haha) - it has provided a lot more richness than I ever expected. I have been able to listen to the Word preached in several churches all over the country and even online when we weren't at a church home. We have been fortunate to always have housing, food, family that loves us (all over the country) & friends who we can pick up with, even after long amounts of time; without feeling awkward or ashamed for "being very busy"...

If I am honest, not too much in my life has turned out the way I "planned" or had hoped it would. And let me be real honest; thats a really great thing - my life has turned out pretty good so far, if I could just quit planning so much and go enjoy it. 

I do not think its bad to have goals or things you want to accomplish - I just need to remind myself to not always try to plan everything in my life - and enjoy the blessings God has given me and embrace the things He has for me to do. His plan is probably way better than mine anyway... :) 

Assurance of Pardon

This was our assurance of pardon in church today; just wanted to share.


"Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you; and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are those who wait for him."  - Isaiah 30:18 (ESV)

Think about such things

Sometimes I just need to remember...

Philippians 4:4-9

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters,

whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable—
if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice.

And the God of peace will be with you."

(I split up the verses so I could read it slower & let the words sink in a little more; otherwise I think I just blow through it, & end up reading it as fast as possible; which is not how I should read God's word) 

Several months ago I went through this passage and journaled out according to the Lord; what is true, nobel, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent & praiseworthy in an attempt to work on "changing" my negative and sometimes frustrating view on things... I found it to be a helpful "exercise" and it got me digging into the word of God. I recently re-read it - it reminded me once again to remember the grace of our Lord and seek Him alone; not the things and view of this world.

Brokenness

Brokenness.

I looked up some definitions for the word broken : not functioning properly; out of working order; fragment or incomplete; weakened in strength; reduced to submission; fractured...

I have been thinking about brokenness lately. Like I said in my last post; there have been times lately I have found myself just feeling completely undone recently. Getting anxious and not running to the Lord in prayer with everything that has been burdening my heart. I have been feeling like a failure; broken. But I struggle with wanting to be someone extraordinary.

Life here on Earth is hard. I must make choices about what to spend my money on, what to wear, what to think, what to say, what to do with my time, who to spend my time with... and I feel like I am making a lot of wrong decisions - and struggle with feeling like I am a failure, like people are judging me, like I am being laughed at, because I am broken. Not perfect.

Daily I feel messages around me from society and from within; telling me “pick yourself up by your boot straps”; “hurry up and succeed already, you slacker”... “you are nothing without.... the right body, the right clothes, the right hair, the right house, the right home decor, the right car, the right friends, the right family, the right church, the right tone of voice, the right thoughts, the right meal made from scratch, the right thing to say................ (on, & on, & on)”.

Do you know this train of thought? Ya know the “I will wear a mask to fool the world and hopefully myself; into thinking that I have it all under control and that I am just fine” ... It kinda feels like the whole... Yeah, I will go to the gym once I am in shape; because I do not want the people at the gym to see I am overweight and that I need to be here... Guess what, I cannot be in the world like that. I am not perfect; and probably never will be this side of heaven - because I am broken. I must admit that I am broken. I am trying to learn that it is okay to be broken. Its okay to take off the mask. Not perfect.

I want to be clear, I am not saying the answer is to rip the mask off proudly and become a victim of society or sin and become angry at the world for its high expectations and high demands for perfection. I am just trying to embrace brokenness and see it for what it is; and seek the Lord through my brokenness.

Although painful, I am thankful for brokenness... it has made me look outside myself; taking the attention off myself. It has made me realize that I have been placing too much importance on trying to be perfect and dwelling on all the things I do imperfectly; rather than living my life for the glory of God and living out His will; not mine. I am thankful that I have felt a tug on my heart to turn to my Creator and believe Him. What glory do I bring my Lord when I do not even recognize all He has done for me; never mind thank Him for it? How am I able to serve others and display God's mercy and grace when I am always trying so hard to hold it together and be perfect?

So, I continue to pray that the Lord will press upon my heart and keep reminding me that even though I am broken, He has restored me; He can use me for His glory and for His will; not mine. That while life here on Earth is hard - it isn't about me. It doesn’t matter if I have the perfect (or as the case may be, an imperfect) body, house, relationships, car, thoughts, words & its even okay if the meal I spent hours working on is dry... Sure, I think its perfectly fine to exercise, decorate the house, work on relationships, buy a newer car, try to think better and say nice things; and feel good about making a nice meal. But, I am feeling challenged to examine at what cost. What is more important? Is it more important for me to continue to try to be extraordinary for my own goals or to release the my heavy burden and believe God to be in control? 

I pray that I will release my grip on this idol of hoping to be perfect, recognize it is okay to be broken; and look to the one who is perfect; putting first things first and look to Him. Caring more about what He is asking me to do and obeying His will. And believing that He is the one who will sustain me. I am comforted by His grace. 

Romans 8:18-39

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed.  For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 

         As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Giving it up

There have been many times lately I have felt myself just feeling completely undone. Becoming anxious and starting to worry about anything I think about... But I have been trying to remember to carry everything to God in prayer. Whether its worry about being who God wants me to be, paying the mortgage, eating the right food, sleeping enough, being a good friend - you name it... I should be carrying it all to God in prayer. Trusting his mercy and grace to be all I need here on Earth and to let go of the burdens that have been taking over my heart.
______________________

What A Friend We Have in Jesus

What a Friend we have in Jesus,
all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful
who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden,
cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge,
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do your friends despise, forsake you?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield you;
you will find a solace there.

Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised
Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to
Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright unclouded there
will be no need for prayer
Rapture, praise and endless worship
will be our sweet portion there.

Happy New Year!

Welcome 2012!

Generally, I am not one of those people who looks forward to a new year with anticipation - like magically things will be much different than yesterday, because I said so and that I have the super will power to make it so. And honestly I tend to cringe when I hear people go on and on about their resolutions and all the new beginnings they are looking forward to making happen!

However to my chagrin, I feel myself kind of being one of those people this year...  :)

I feel myself very much looking forward to this new year! I really do not know what I am expecting to happen this year. Like most people during this time of year I would love to resolve to weigh less, eat less, sleep more, & love more! But for some reason - I am filled with great hope that this coming year is going to be filled with blessing & peace....  simply because I know that God provides grace for me to do exactly what He has in front of me to do. I know it won't always be easy and I am sure there will be difficulty and hardship, as well as joy, comfort and laughter.

As I look into this new year - I want to remember that I am not alone. That God is in control; even on the days when I shake my fist at Him for unanswered prayer or simply saying no to my prayers. I pray that I am able to submit humbly to God and ask for forgiveness for my unbelief and self righteousness and anger. I hope that I will not be blind to the blessings and mercies that He grants and that I may find comfort in God alone. And I pray that am able to extend hope and grace to others on a daily basis as I strive to peacefully embrace this new year, whatever may come.

I wanted to leave some passages of Scripture that have really been on my heart the last few days and even as we were in church this morning.

Psalm 51 

¹ Have mercy on me, O God,
   according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
   blot out my transgressions.
² Wash away all my iniquity
   and cleanse me from my sin.

 ³ For I know my transgressions,
   and my sin is always before me.
⁴ Against you, you only, have I sinned
   and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
   and justified when you judge.
⁵ Surely I was sinful at birth,
   sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
⁶ Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
   you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

 ⁷ Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
   wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
⁸ Let me hear joy and gladness;
   let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
⁹ Hide your face from my sins
   and blot out all my iniquity.

 ¹⁰ Create in me a pure heart, O God,
   and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not cast me from your presence
   or take your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation
   and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

 ¹³ Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
   so that sinners will turn back to you.
¹⁴ Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
   you who are God my Savior,
   and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
¹⁵ Open my lips, Lord,
   and my mouth will declare your praise.
¹⁶ You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
   you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
¹⁷ My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
   a broken and contrite heart
   you, God, will not despise.

 ¹⁸ May it please you to prosper Zion,
   to build up the walls of Jerusalem.
¹⁹ Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
   in burnt offerings offered whole;
   then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Numbers 6:24-26

“The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.”


Happy New Year! 
Blessings, 
Missy